Ten Ways to Improve Communication During Separation for Co-Parents

We know that separation is a difficult time for you and your children, and that communicating positively can be difficult after being in conflict for so long. However, it’s essential for the wellbeing of your children to find ways to co-parent effectively.

Here we give you ten strategies to navigate communication with your co-parent so you can build a successful new parenting alliance.

1. Set the Right Tone at the Start

How you begin discussions with your ex-partner matters. Avoid opening statements that focus on blame or past grievances. Instead, set a positive tone by focusing on shared goals, like your children’s wellbeing, and try to avoid reigniting past conflicts.

Tip: Mediators can help guide the conversation, but both parents must remain open to focusing on the future.

2. Reframe Statements for Clarity

Reframing how you present your thoughts can help the other parent understand your perspective without feeling attacked. We often suggest framing statements as tentative hypotheses to invite reflection rather than cause defensiveness.

Tip: Practice saying things like, "I wonder if..." to encourage dialogue and avoid direct accusations.

3. Practice Active Listening

Active listening is key to improving communication. It means fully focusing on what the other person is saying without planning your response while they speak. This allows you to hear not just their words, but the emotions behind them.

Tip: Stay present, listen carefully, and take a moment to reflect before responding. This builds trust and can lead to more meaningful, productive conversations.

4. Blame the Relationship, Not Each Other

Instead of blaming one another for the conflict, recognise that the relationship itself may not have been equipped to handle your differences. This shift in perspective can reduce hostility and open up space for constructive solutions.

Example: If arguments often stemmed from financial stress, rather than blaming your ex for being irresponsible, consider that the relationship lacked a healthy way to address financial concerns. Similarly, if communication broke down over parenting styles, it wasn’t just one parent’s fault—the relationship didn’t provide a framework for balancing different approaches.

Tip: By viewing the relationship as the issue, you can focus on building a new dynamic that supports effective co-parenting. This change can help bring out the best in each other, benefiting your children in the long run.

5. Acknowledge Your Role

Recognising your part in the conflict can help the other parent feel heard and reduce defensiveness. Accepting responsibility for past actions, even unintentionally harmful ones, can pave the way for cooperation.

Tip: Consider reflecting on how your actions may have been misunderstood or contributed to the ongoing issues.

6. Focus on Long-Term Consequences for Children

Continued conflict can harm your children’s development and wellbeing. Shifting the focus from your own frustrations to your children’s long-term wellbeing can encourage more cooperative communication.

Tip: Ask for feedback from child consultants to understand how the separation is affecting your children and how to minimise the impact.

7. Support Each Other’s Parenting Role

Encouraging and supporting each other’s parenting abilities benefits your children. When children see their parents cooperating, they feel safer and more secure.

Tip: Make a conscious effort to compliment your ex’s parenting, and remember that positive interactions with each other contribute to your child’s wellbeing.

8. Facilitate Perceptions of Goodwill

Building goodwill is essential. If both parents start interactions with gestures of goodwill, the communication will be more likely to succeed.

Tip: Clarify what each parent needs to feel respected and heard. Simple changes in tone or small positive gestures can make a big difference.

9. Get Clear About the Causes of Conflict

Address misunderstandings that perpetuate conflict. Often, one parent may feel they are not being supported or respected, leading to further issues.

Tip: Ask yourself how your words and actions might be perceived by the other parent, and consider how this affects their willingness to cooperate.

10. Commit to a Shared Goal for Your Children

Shifting the focus onto a shared vision for your children’s future can help you shift from conflict to cooperation.

Tip: Consider engaging with child consultants to understand the specific needs of your children, and use this information to align on shared goals.

Conclusion

At Civilised Separations, we understand that co-parenting after separation is challenging. Our mediation services focus on helping parents improve communication, build goodwill, and focus on what truly matters: your children’s wellbeing. We can help you settle your divorce amicably, keeping you out of court and on the path to a healthier co-parenting relationship. Reach out today to begin your journey toward a civilised separation.